FTF GraveBoyz Presents: From Running in Place to Running with Purpose

By Malcolm Pannell (Face Thy Fear)

FTF GraveBoyz is a new addition to the Face Thy Fear movement.

Built for the ones who weren’t supposed to make it.

The ones who were buried alive by addiction, heartbreak, betrayal, and pain —

but refused to stay dead.

We don’t glorify death.

We glorify survival.

We glorify the ones who dug themselves out when nobody came to save them.

FTF GraveBoyz is for the ones who stitched themselves back together with bloody hands,

who made the decision that the grave wouldn’t have the final word.

This is resurrection living.

This is healing in motion.

This is proof that it’s never too late.

And this —

this story you’re about to read —

is just the beginning.

From Running in Place to Running with Purpose

Hopelessness will kill you long before the flames ever touch you.

There was a time not too long ago when all I wanted to do was run away.

Run from the pain.

Run from the emptiness.

Run from the broken promises and the reflection I couldn’t even stand to look at.

But no matter how fast I tried to move,

it felt like I was just running in place.

The worst part of hell isn’t the flames.

It’s the hopelessness.

It’s waking up and realizing you don’t even care if you wake up.

It’s breathing but not living.

It’s laughing on the outside and rotting on the inside.

It’s losing the belief that anything could ever get better —

or that you even deserved it if it did.

I felt hopeless for years.

I drowned myself in cocaine and alcohol just to feel something — anything.

Hangovers barely touched me anymore; my body had surrendered to the poison.

The last five years of my addiction weren’t just a dark season —

they were one long, blurred-out binge.

Five years where the days and nights bled together,

where survival wasn’t living — it was barely breathing.

I thought that was just life for people like me.

But the truth is:

I wasn’t living.

I was slowly dying — every single day.

Today, I move differently.

I’m not running anymore.

I’m building.

Building a future.

Building a life I don’t have to run away from.

Building a legacy the grave couldn’t steal.

My perspective had to change before my life could.

It didn’t happen overnight.

It took pain.

It took patience.

It took showing up when nobody was watching, when nobody was cheering, when nobody was saving me.

Now, when I hop into my HVAC van, bumping my music loud, toolbox in the back, certifications in my pocket —

I know I made it.

Because I remember what it was like to have nothing but a pocket full of regrets and a heart full of fear.

I remember being taken advantage of by family —

paying all the bills in a house that didn’t even feel like home.

I remember getting sick from living in dirty conditions.

I remember begging people — family, friends — just to love me properly.

Begging for crumbs of affection.

Now?

I have a woman who respects me like no one ever has.

A woman I plan to marry.

To her, I’m not just a man —

I’m her knight in shining armor.

I have my cat —

who chose us —

and who looks at me with unconditional love.

He doesn’t judge where I’ve been.

He just sees me.

I have real comrades now.

Real brothers.

People I have to show up for — not because they demand it, but because loyalty demands it.

It’s not just about me anymore.

It’s about the family I’m building.

The brotherhood I’m protecting.

The legacy I’m carving out with my own two hands.

I’m not rich yet.

I’m not perfect.

But I’m free.

I’m free from running in place.

I’m free from begging for love.

I’m free from the hopelessness that almost buried me alive.

Today, I stand 893 days sober from booze

and 1,061 days sober from blow.

893 days of choosing life.

1,061 days of fighting for my future.

Over two and a half years of becoming the man I was always meant to be.

And the crazy part?

I’m just getting started.

If You’re Struggling Right Now — Read This:

I know what it feels like to believe you’re too far gone.

I know what it feels like to be stuck in a cycle you can’t see a way out of.

Here’s what I wish somebody told me when I was down bad:

• You don’t have to fix everything today.

  
  

  Start with one thing. One breath. One step toward something better.

• You’re not weak for struggling.

  
  

  You’re strong for still standing. You’re strong for still breathing.

• You don’t have to fight alone.

  
  

  Call in your reinforcements. Find your brothers. Find your tribe.

• You are not broken beyond repair.

  
  

  There’s still something worth building inside of you.

• Your future will not look like your past — if you just keep stepping.

  
  

  You don’t have to sprint. You just have to refuse to stay stuck.

The grave tried to hold me too.

But I chose to climb out.

You can too.

When I pull up in your neighborhood, music blasting, tools ready, work shirt drenched in a little bit of sweat and a whole lot of pride —

I’m not just showing up to fix your system.

I’m showing you proof.

Proof that you can make it too.

Proof that running in place isn’t the end.

Proof that the worst parts of hell can be overcome.

You don’t have to stay where they left you.

You don’t have to die where you got hurt.

Face Thy Fear.

Fix Thy Future.

GraveBoyz forever.

Healing is possible.

And you are never too far gone.

— Malcolm FTF Pannell

Resources for Help:

If you or someone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, or hopelessness, you are not alone.

Here are a few resources you can reach out to for help:

• SAMHSA National Helpline — 1-800-662-HELP (4357)

  
  

  Free, confidential help for substance abuse and mental health 24/7.

• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline — Call or Text 988

  
  

  For anyone in emotional distress or crisis, available 24/7.

• Celebrate Recovery — celebraterecovery.com

  
  

  A Christ-centered recovery program for anyone struggling with hurt, pain, or addiction.

• FindTreatment.gov

  
  

  A confidential and free resource to locate treatment centers nearby.

Disclaimer:

This article reflects my personal experiences with addiction, recovery, and healing.

It is not intended to replace professional medical advice, therapy, or treatment.

If you are in crisis, please reach out to a licensed professional, a recovery program, or a crisis hotline immediately.

You are not alone, and help is available.

Face Thy Fear and FTF GraveBoyz stand in solidarity with anyone fighting for their life and future.

Copyright Notice:

© 2025 Malcolm Pannell | Face Thy Fear (FTF) | FTF GraveBoyz.

All rights reserved.

No part of this article may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the author.

Sharing the original link for educational or recovery support purposes is encouraged — but please credit the source.

This is real life, real pain, and real healing. Respect the journey.