FTF Journal: I Just Don’t Have the Energy for Bullsh*t Anymore

FTF Journal: I Just Don’t Have the Energy for Bullsh*t Anymore

I just don’t have the energy for bullsh*t anymore. Especially now that I’m older. All I want in my life is peace—with a capital P.

I don’t feel like stealing. I don’t feel like cheating on my woman or lying to people. If something brings resistance, I don’t push it anymore. I’m not chasing chaos—I’m building consistency. I want the same career, the same woman, a bigger family, and a solid circle.

I see people angry in public and I avoid it. And if I can’t, I meet it with peace. I smile. I say “have a good day.” Sometimes, I just ask, “How are you doing?” And I watch their face light up—like someone finally saw them.

Even on my tough days, I just want the day to end peacefully.

Today, I stayed away from Liquesha—that’s what I call alcohol. She used to be my toxic lover, always calling me back with promises of relief and pleasure. But she only brought destruction. Walking away from her is how I keep choosing life.

Back then? I used to drink myself to oblivion and snort enough rails to fuel a CSX train. That was my feel-good. I cheated just to get a one-up before I got cheated on. I stole from stores when I was drunk—for the thrill. I rode in hot cars and chilled in the trap with thugs and junkies. That was my ecosystem. That’s where I felt most alive.

I was always trying to prove I could hold my own. I loved hustling, loved debauchery—pistol in tow. I was a chameleon. I’d pull up with craft beer and get dap from the corner boys. Now? I pull up with sparkling water and tell them I’m grateful.

I pray constantly. Not asking for much—just saying thank you.

Because I lived in mental anguish for over a decade. Depression plagued me like leprosy. I never felt at home in my own body. I tried so hard to please everybody that I lost myself.

Now, I see the part I played in everything.

I still mess up. I still do dumb sh*t for no reason. But I’m not who I used to be. And honestly? I can’t believe I was ever that person. But he made me who I am. And I like who I am now.

I’m still working on being a better friend. Learning how to trust. How to speak with compassion. I recluse a lot. I hide sometimes. But through FTF, prayer, and therapy, I’m getting better.

I hope this entry reaches someone who needs it. I wish I had something like this when I was drowning in my darkness. This isn’t just about addiction—it’s about love. It’s about light. It’s about God.

It’s about you.

FaceThyFear®

Tagline: Recovery. Resilience. Realness.

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