No Numb Left: Choosing Peace Over Chaos

By Malcolm Pannell | FaceThyFear

“God, I offer myself to Thee—to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt…”

— Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 63

There’s something sobering about stillness.

Tonight I’m lying on my sofa. The smell of fresh laundry lingers in the air—it reminds me of the days I didn’t have a washing machine, back when I lived in survival mode. Now, my space smells like peace. I just made a plate of steak, rice, and peas. My cat is stretched out, full and calm. The plants on my porch are standing tall, reflecting the healing I’ve been fighting for.

This is what peace looks like after the storm.

But here’s the thing they don’t always tell you in the beginning:

When you stop using… when you stop drinking…

You don’t just give up the substances.

You give up the escape.

You give up the numb.

And what you’re left with is everything you once ran from.

Pain. Guilt. Shame. Loss. The real consequences of your past decisions.

I remember the spiral. The chaos. The desperation.

I used to chase oblivion, and I called it coping.

Now, I face it all—with no crutch, no high, no drink.

The Big Book says: “We had a new Employer… we were reborn.”

That hit me different this year.

Because I do feel reborn—but it wasn’t overnight. I had to surrender.

Step Three wasn’t just a ritual. It was my life cracking open.

I had to say, “Take away my difficulties,” and actually mean it.

This weekend, I spent time with my father and the woman I plan to propose to.

No drama. No emotional hangovers. Just love, healing, and clarity.

And for once, I didn’t feel like I had to prove anything to anyone.

I didn’t have to bleed myself dry trying to fix or rescue people who ain’t ready to change.

That’s one of the hardest lessons in recovery:

You can’t save people who are still in love with their chaos.

I’ve made the final decision to protect my peace.

Not out of spite—but out of necessity.

Because dragging people out of hell will pull you back into the fire if you’re not careful.

I’ve got school. I’ve got a vision.

And I’ve got a life that’s finally aligned with purpose.

I used to be treated like I was disposable—especially by women I gave my all to.

That man who stayed too long in toxic love, that version of me is buried now.

I’m not fueled by resentment.

I’m fueled by clarity.

“Relieve me of the bondage of self…”

That’s what it really comes down to.

Not just surviving without substances—but living without the self-will that almost destroyed me.

And I still feel pain.

But I feel it fully.

I cry when I need to. I pray. I pause. I write. I breathe.

I’m not just sober. I’m aware. I’m reborn.

This is what recovery looks like when you stop surviving and start choosing yourself.

This is what happens when you let go of your plans and finally trust something higher.

I don’t need to numb anymore.

I’ve got peace. And peace don’t need permission.

Closing Meditation

“God, I offer myself to Thee—to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt.”

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Founded by Malcolm Pannell, FTF is a lifestyle rooted in raw truth, radical healing, and fearless creativity. From recovery to rhythm, grills to gardens, swords to stories—this brand is built on what it means to show up, stay present, and face everything that once tried to break you.

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