She Wanted Me Dead. He Was Waiting to Take Me.
- facethyfear
- Jul 13
- 3 min read
She Wanted Me Dead. He Was Waiting to Take Me. I Sat in the Dark With Them: My Journey to Sobriety
By Malcolm Pannell – FaceThyFear™
© 2025 FaceThyFear™ | All Rights Reserved
🍷 The One Who Never Loved Me
They don’t tell you addiction has a face until it’s too late.
For me, her name was LQXA (pronounced Lee-k-sha).
She was born in Zone 4, Atlanta—like me.
Her name? It’s inspired by those Southern voices—2 Chainz saying “Keisha” on repeat, Moneybagg Yo’s “Wockesha”.
Because just like them, she’s everywhere in the culture. But make no mistake—she’s no muse. She’s a menace.
I swear I’d see her in every corner store, every bar, every backseat conversation at 3AM.
She wasn’t loud. She didn’t have to be.
She was a whisper in my ear:
“One more night. One more sip. One more line. You’re not done with me yet.”
I believed her.
Every time.
She didn’t come to destroy me all at once.
She drained me slowly. My money. My relationships. My body.
Until all I had left was her.
But here’s the thing about LQXA (Lee-k-sha):
You never really see her.
Not all of her.
She’s smoke in your lungs. Perfume on your hoodie. A shadow leaning in just close enough to keep you hooked.
Her beauty is a mystery. And that’s what makes her dangerous.
☠️ The One Who Watched
And then there’s him.
The Grand Looper.
The first time I saw him, I was trying to quit on my own. Hallucinations. Sweat. Heart racing like it wanted out of my chest.
In the corner of the room, hood low, scythe humming electric blue, bottle faintly glowing in his other hand.
He didn’t speak, but I knew what he was saying:
“Keep spinning and I’ll take you. Or face your fear and I’ll wait.”
The Grand Looper isn’t death—not exactly.
He’s the watcher of cycles.
Relapse. Regret. Despair.
He doesn’t rush. He knows his time will come if you don’t change.
Every swing of his scythe isn’t an ending—it’s a chance.
A chance to sever ties with what’s killing you.
🩸 Breaking Free
Sobriety didn’t come easy.
It wasn’t some clean, inspiring movie montage.
It was messy. Lonely.
I had to let LQXA scream in my head while I sat still.
I had to feel The Grand Looper’s eyes on me as I shook, cried, prayed.
But then something shifted.
The noise got quieter.
My hands stopped shaking.
I started to live—not just survive.
Now I’ve built a life they can’t touch:
🏠 A home.
💍 A fiancée I protect like treasure.
🌱 A tomato plant taller than me.
🐾 A cat—my healer—proof that love doesn’t have to hurt.
💵 A new HVAC job paying me what I’m worth.
🔥 Steaks and veggies on the grill seasoned with care, not chaos.
The Grand Looper?
He’s still there. But now, when he looks at me, he nods.
Respect.
I broke the loop.
💡 To You
If you’re still caught between them—LQXA’s whispers and The Grand Looper’s stare—hear me:
You don’t have to stay stuck.
You don’t have to give her one more night.
You don’t have to let him prepare your grave.
This isn’t easy. But it’s possible.
Face your fear. Walk through it.
And maybe one day The Grand Looper will set down his scythe—not to take you, but to salute you.
📊 Recovery & Mental Health: By the Numbers
🧠 1 in 5 U.S. adults experience mental illness each year (NAMI, 2024).
💊 Over 46 million people worldwide struggle with substance use disorder (WHO).
♻️ Addiction relapse rates range from 40-60%, but long-term recovery is possible with support (NIH).
📖 Resources for Your Journey
💛 SAMHSA National Helpline (USA): 1-800-662-HELP (4357)
🤝 Alcoholics Anonymous (AA): https://www.aa.org
🌱 Narcotics Anonymous (NA): https://na.org
📘 FaceThyFear Community: Share your story: facethyfear@gmail.com
🏷️ Copyright Notice
© 2025 FaceThyFear™. All Rights Reserved.
The characters, names, and concepts of The Grand Looper and LQXA are the intellectual property of Malcolm Pannell and FaceThyFear. Unauthorized use or reproduction is strictly prohibited.
🌑 What About You?
Who’s your LQXA?
Have you felt The Grand Looper watching?
This is your space. Drop your story below or email me directly at facethyfear@gmail.com.
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