When the Darkness Creeps In: Anxiety, Triggers, and the Fight to Keep Going

There are days when everything seems fine—when I wake up feeling good, stay productive, and keep pushing forward. But then, out of nowhere, it hits. A creeping anxiety that whispers lies, telling me I’m not good enough, that I’m falling behind, that everything I’ve worked for is about to fall apart. My mind races, spiraling into a storm of self-doubt, and before I even realize it, I start shutting down. I want to isolate, to not be bothered. And yet, at the same time, I crave connection.

Today was one of those days.

I was heading home from work when I passed a bar, and for no reason at all, my body just reacted. It was like something inside me was begging for a drink, a substance—anything to numb the feeling rising in my chest. I hadn’t been thinking about using. I hadn’t been craving anything. But there it was, wrapping itself around me like a shadow I couldn’t shake. I prayed about it. I tried to push through, but the feeling followed me home.

This isn’t new. It happens when I’m doing good—when I’m staying on track, making progress. Something always seems to creep in, trying to disrupt the good I’m building. The old thoughts tell me I can’t do this, that I should just escape for a little while, like I used to. But I know the truth. I can’t drink alcohol. I can’t do lines of cocaine. I can’t pop a quarter of a Xanax bar. Those things never fixed anything. They only stole from me.

I’ve already lost enough time. My 20s flew by in a haze of addiction, and I missed out on so much. But I refuse to miss out on the rest of my life.

So, I did what I know works—I prayed, reached out to some friends in the fellowship, and talked to my parents. This journey has brought me closer to them, and I’m grateful for that, even when things feel heavy. When I couldn’t sit with my thoughts any longer, I turned to music. Normally, when I’m frustrated, I throw on some heavy metal to let it all out. But today, I needed something else. I put on Juice WRLD.

Juice was one of those artists who could put words to the feelings I didn’t know how to explain. There were times when I felt so lost, and his music was the only thing that made me feel understood. It’s heartbreaking that addiction took him too soon. So many artists, so many people, gone because of this disease.

That’s why I have to keep pushing.

I know I’m not the only one who feels this way, who struggles with these moments. If you’re reading this and you’ve been there—if you’ve ever felt like something was creeping in to knock you off your path—you’re not alone. I promise you, you’re not.

Addiction, risky behavior—whatever you want to call it—is just a symptom of something deeper. It’s not just about substances; it’s about the pain we’re trying to escape. But I’ve learned that real healing comes from facing that pain, not running from it.

So I keep going. Because there are people watching, people I haven’t even met yet, who need help. And in turn, they help me.

We keep each other alive.

If you’re struggling, reach out. You don’t have to go through it alone.

— Malcolm Pannell, FaceThyFear

Website: www.Facethyfear.com

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If you or someone you know is struggling with addiction, please seek support. Recovery is possible.